England are shit

Here are my scores, out of 10, for the England team tonight after their game against France.

David James: 0. Gave the penalty away, looked slower than Neil Ruddock and had an even more stupid beard than Neil Ruddock.

Ashley Cole: 0. Overrated money grabber, did nothing at all apart from whinge at the referee.

John Terry: 0. Too slow, miles off the pace and allowed Anelka to breeze past him for the penalty.

Rio Ferdinand: 0. Lazy. Didn't seem to care and looks like Bart Simpson. Except not yellow.

Wes Brown: 0. Scored against Liverpool at the weekend. Still looks bizarre.

Joe Cole: 0. Did nothing except look like someone had just smashed him in the face with a grand piano. I think he had one blocked shot from 40 yards.

David Beckham: 0. No pace and not 21 any more. Received the ball in good areas but stood there playing long balls to nobody. After 25 Hollywood passes that were easily intercepted, Capello took him off.

Owen Hargreaves: 0. Looked tired throughout the whole match. Made pointless runs to nowhere and generally did nothing.

Gareth Barry: 1. Seemed to try. Didn't give the ball away as much as the others and dared to trespass in the opposition half.

Wayne Rooney: 0. Had no shots. Gave the ball away a lot.

Steven Gerrard: 0. Had one shot into Row Z and looked like he was about to cry.

Subs:

Michael Owen: 0. Not sure if he got a touch of the ball. Slow off the mark to chase the one ball England managed to put in the box.

Peter Crouch: 1. Won some headers that went to nobody.

Stewart Downing: -300. If being a left winger is cutting inside and kicking the ball to the opposition goalkeeper, I can do it. Not England quality. Can't think of anything he has done to justify his place in the squad.

David Bentley: 5. Fouled Malouda and pushed the diving bastard to the deck.

Joleon Lescott: 0. How did Frankenstein get into the England team?

The Other Defender I Can't Remember: 0. Guilty by association.